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Real Housewives of the Coronavirus

Last month the Upright Citizens Brigade, an important and iconic institution in the comedy community, announced that they would be closing their New York locations. I am proud to say that, for the last several years, I have been a part of that amazing community. I was actually enrolled in a UCB sketch writing class when the Coronavirus forced UCB operations into an online format.

Below, in honor of the UCB Improvisational and Sketch Comedy Training Center, I am proud to share the second sketch I’ve ever written in my life, and one of the last scripts to ever have a table read at their 8th Avenue venue in New York City. The sketch was meant to parody the opening credits of the Real Housewives television franchise and my teacher said it was pretty good (and gave me great feedback about how to make it better)!


The UCB learning community has never been bound by brick and mortar. It's sustained by a love for comedy and the memories of everyone that has ever taken a class, seen a show or, like me, made lifelong friends.

Harambee!

Genia Wright, Free Time Aficionado




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This work is protected by copyright. Note, script formatting conventions were lost due to the limitations of my blog template.


REAL HOUSEWIVES OF THE CORONAVIRUS - MAIN TITLE Copyright by Genia Wright, March 2020. INT. (VARIOUS)

The Real Housewives of the Coronavirus are JESSICA, JENNIFER, NICOLE, AMANDA, ASHLEY, LAUREN, HEATHER, and SARAH. Each has been housebound for 2 months but continues to believe her life is fabulous and enviable. Each scene includes a Housewife and a digital depiction of her first name in the foreground, and a scene from her life in the background. From the foreground, dressed fashionably, each woman delivers her line with an enthusiastic, self-righteous, smug, arrogant tone and energy, and then strikes a confident pose. An upbeat jazzy music track plays throughout.

FADE IN: The view, as if taken from a helicopter, flies over a vacant downtown of a major city, including vacant highways. The only signs of life are the National Guard and piles of trash as “Real Housewives of The Coronavirus” appears on the screen in a glittering font.

CUT TO: JESSICA Even though we’re home together all day, I keep my children on a schedule. I only acknowledge their presence from 6-8 in the morning, and 6-8 at night. Maybe you can’t have it all, but I can! <In the background, three children are climbing on kitchen counters looking for food.> CUT TO: JENNIFER The isolation made me start to examine myself and I didn’t like it one bit! Now I just keep the television on 100% of the time, electric bill be damned! <In the background, you see her sleeping next to a huge television with a heavy metal band playing on the screen.>

CUT TO: NICOLE It’s true that I haven’t had a wax in 2 months! It’s tres chic when I do it, because my mom is from France! Vivre le glamour! <In the background, you see her brushing her leg hair in a fancy sitting room.> CUT TO: AMANDA My husband stopped showering regularly because we can’t leave the house. I stuck earplugs up my nose and they worked like a charm. Now you can buy Funk Plugs on my website! I’m a problem solver and a boss bitch! <In background, you see a man on a recliner in dirty clothes eating out of a can.> CUT TO: ASHLEY

I ate two-weeks’ worth of rations in three days. My sister caught me vomiting on video and turned it into a meme! Now I’m trending worldwide! <In background, you see meme of her vomiting with following text at the top “Your boyfriend be like.”> CUT TO: LAUREN I told my children the Coronavirus was the monster from A Quiet Place so they would stop talking. Now you can hear a pin drop in my house. I’m the queen of this castle! <In background, you see her children sobbing under the table while she drinks a glass of wine above.> CUT TO: HEATHER

My boyfriend and I broke up two days after the “Shelter in place order” so we used tape to divide the apartment in half until one of us can leave! He got the pantry and bathroom but I got the kitchen! <In the background, you see her climbing up onto the sink as if she is about to go to the bathroom.>

CUT TO: SARAH

Everyone used to be so jealous of my telework agreement. Now that they are all working remotely, I’ve started going into the office. How you like me now? <She breaks her pose to cough harshly, and then returns to her pose. In the background, you see her sitting alone in a sea of empty office workstations.>

CUT TO:

The woman are lined up, posing provocatively in fabulous dresses, gas masks and hazard gloves as the name of the show appears in glittery letters across the screen.

FADE OUT.


Upright Citizens Brigade NYC Training Center, December 2019

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