Sole Searching
Tomorrow I will pack up the contents of my shoe closet and put it in storage. While I am not necessarily a person that loves shoes, I do covet their power to upgrade an outfit and therefore your life from casual to chic. Just like a song or scent, a good pair of shoes can hold memories and promise for future adventures.
I wear a size 13 shoe and grew up in a time when you had to drive to outlet malls to get women’s shoes of that size and, even then, the pickings were few and clunky. I often opted for boys shoes. (They went nicely with the boys clothes I was wearing because tall women’s clothing was also hard to find.) When I became an adult and discovered stores like Nordstroms and Nine West carried my size, I made a vow to buy any beautiful size 13 shoe I came across. I have kept that vow all these years and, as a result, I have a shoe collection that is pretty awesome. My shoes have played an important part in my life as The Free Time Aficionado, ensuring that I am ready for any occasion. So why am I going to box them up?
The truth is, this has been a long time coming. Before I moved to New York, when I lived in places where owning a car made sense for my life, I would keep 8-10 pairs of shoes in my trunk at any given time, swapping them out to accommodate my upcoming activities. Also, most of my shoes are high heels because I could slip them on just before hopping out of the car, happy in the knowledge a comfy pair of flats was always waiting for me under the driver's seat.
When I moved to New York and began using public transportation, lugging heels around in a tote bag became impractical pretty quickly so I started to expand my collection of stylish flats and low heels. Now, I am in another life transition that has impacted my priorities and calendar, and therefore my shoe utilization approach. I’ve become a mother.
My daughter, Skyylar Allyson Jorsling, is 4 months old and she is truly amazing. I mean that both genuinely and in all of the cliche ways that new parents say it. Everytime I look into her bright eyes or kiss her juicy arm, I marvel at the strength and wonder of the female body, my body, to create, bring forth and feed new humans, replenishing the human race. I also marvel at how my baby and I are a perfect fit. She not only fits in my arms like a puzzle piece but her worldview is aligned with mine: she believes the universe is abundant and will take care of her wants and needs as long as she makes them known. Even her cry, which she deploys strategically, is calibrated to the perfect decibel for my ears.
Two nights ago, she was laying in bed next to me having just woken from a nap, and she was very chatty. For a full 15 minutes, she cooed and squeaked and talked in a special language that only her father and I understand, using her arms and legs to emphasize key points. Periodically, I responded with a “no he didn’t” or “girl, been there” but mostly I listened. She covered about a dozen topics including the great dream she’d just had, how much fun she had on our trip to the bank this week, and what my dad is up to in the spirit world. She also told me that she felt it was time to pack up my shoe closet. “Mom,” she said, “we need that space for other things.”
At that point, I had to interrupt her flow of thought. I told her that I am The Free Time Aficionado. I find exciting things to do, and I do them! I started to give her examples and, with all the love and kindness she could muster, she pointed out that all of those examples were from 2020 or earlier. I started to tell her about the pandemic and the impact it had on me, but I stopped myself. She was right. I have about 4 pairs of shoes in rotation right now. That’s it. I promised Skyylar I would pack up the shoes and put them in storage.
“In a few months,” she said, “we’ll talk about that huge bookcase in the living room. I’ll be crawling soon and will need that space. Plus it’s full of choking hazards.” I just nodded.
Eventually, I asked a question that had actually been lurking in the corners of my mind since her birth. “If I am not The Free Time Aficionado. Who am I?”
She patted me on the shoulder and said I could keep the title but I would need to be honest with myself about what it means now. Of course, my genius baby was right again!
So, I'm going to do that. This is why I have decided to restart this blog. I am on the journey to understand and embrace my new identity, and I’m going in sensible shoes.
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