The Difference Between Mementos and Random Stuff
My parents, Aubrey and Veronica Wright, would've been married for 42 years on October 15, and were married for 36 years when my father passed away. I recently posted a YouTube video made in their honor, it's about sustaining relationships and features two friends of mine that have been together for 18 years!
My parents' marriage and friendship were truly exemplary, and I tried to follow in their footsteps when I got married many years ago. I was probably too young at the time, and have the divorce papers to prove it, but I don't genuinely don't regret any of it! Most of my memories from that season of my life are full of joy and wonder, including planning for the actual wedding ceremony.
My father was a social worker, pastor, clothing designer, and wedding coordinator. He didn't ask for my opinion too often while planning my wedding because he'd apparently been planning it my entire life! He chose and arranged the flowers, selected the venue for the ceremony and reception, selected the bridesmaid dresses, and, after many hours of careful consideration, selected my cathedral-length wedding dress. The resulting event was beautiful, and I start to tear up every time I think about all of the friends and family that came to celebrate with us, the joy on my parents' faces and the face of my then-husband – there was just so much love in the room!
Despite the marriage ending years ago, I continued to hold on to my wedding dress. I'd had it preserved shortly after the wedding, so it was in a huge white box marked "bridal chest," and I carried it with me when I moved from the DC area, where I'd lived since college, to Minneapolis and then to New York. From time to time, I'd get ready to sell or donate it and then abandon the plan.
When people saw the huge box, they would assume I was holding onto it because of some lack of closure about my marriage. Sometimes I corrected them, but sometimes I just let them leave my place with the wrong impression. It's easier to pretend to have unresolved feelings for an ex than to explain the guilt I felt at the prospect of letting go of a dress my father loved so much.
Recently, I was looking at pictures from the wedding, planning to pick a few to use to post the wedding dress for sale online, when it hit me: it wasn't the dress my father loved, it was me in the dress. He loved the occasion, the moment, the opportunity to help make one of my dreams come true. Holding on to the dress was really pointless, the magic had already happened, and those special memories will be with me forever.
I finally decided to donate the dress to Goodwill. I'll admit a cried a little in the Uber on the way to the donation center but, afterward, I immediately felt good knowing that someone would get some use out of it.
I now realize the difference between filling a home with treasures and mementos from special occasions versus just holding on to stuff. A memento reminds you of a particular person, moment, or experience, while "stuff" keeps you from putting that person, moment, or experience in its proper historical context. Stuff keeps you from letting go or moving on.
If you have random stuff in your house or mind, it's time to clean it out! I'm sure you can find a better way to use that space.
Harambee,
Genia Wright, Free Time Aficionado
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